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[11 Feb 2011|03:09pm]
i guess i cant quit things well

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[06 Feb 2011|05:20am]
dear ronnie,

im drunk on the wine, tonight a much cheaper, sweeter bottle of brix "sweet shiraz", which i made up a song to earlier

so im drunk to the point that i thought there was a get up kids song called no regrets and i was going to post that here in regards to drunk livejournaling, but there is not (the song i was thinking of is called regret, but not enough in the spirit of my meaning)

so i think this is the next best thing

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[05 Feb 2011|04:29am]
ok drunk and getting emoish

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[05 Feb 2011|03:36am]
so im plowing through a bottle of francis ford coppola wine at 230 in the morning. im in that rare happy drunk, hum new found glory songs to yourself while you play mahjong state and it feels pretty good.

im watching the tribe on youtube, a show i used to watch when i was in high school. i remember shutting myself in whenever they would show marathons on wam. it was such a bizarre, heavy show for being a kids show, and for whatever reason i loved it growing up. im probably going to wake up with weird make up on my face, and it will truly be the telling tale of my life.
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[01 Feb 2011|02:19am]
alright, im going to make my return to this forum, if for no other reason, then to just talk at something. i feel like this awkward life of really having no one is starting to get to me. i guess what i mean when i say get to me is i am actually admitting it, i mean for the last 2 years i have not been able to go into a public place without having a panic attack. people bother me, and the more i get to know them, they just seem to bother me more. i dont why it is people feel like they should expect anything out of me, or for that matter, why they continue to. there is the mentality that people assume i am forcing myself to become a hermit through negativity, why is it that i cant just want to become a hermit. is there something so wrong with actually wanting to be left alone. is it bad that my american dream is a cabin in the woods of kansas, with a typewriter and a record player. i think what hurts more than anything else is wanting so badly to believe in people... in humanity, and constantly being let down. it is so much easier to give up on hope than it is to outright fail and not learn from such failure. it seems almost absurd to be slapped in the face everyday and to not eventually put up a guard. absurd and foolish. i probably just need to start going to therapy

you know, i didnt think i would enjoy it, but i am really getting into this aloe blacc record. not as good as the mayer hawthorne stuff, and no where near as good as eli, but what can you do

ym head is killing me, i dont know where im going with all of this... i need to find a way to get unsolicited therapy from maria bamford and jen kirkman... i think they would get me

why is this so damn good

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[28 Dec 2010|04:33am]
001. tokyo police club - the baskervilles
002. jose gonzalez - down the hillside
003. stars of track and field - say hello
004. veruca salt - with david bowie
005. the replacements - unsatisfied
006. lisa loeb - stay (acoustic)
007. appleseed cast - the clock and the storm
008. kevin devine - she stayed as steam
009. mazzy star - fade into you
010. sondre lerche - two way monologue
011. sparklehorse - hundreds of sparrows
012. no doubt - new
013. the stereo - turn off your tv
014. miracle of 86 - surprise me
015. kind of like spitting - we got as far as minnesota
016. sahara hotnights - drive dead slow
017. the wallflowers - the difference
018. arab strap - new birds
019. yo la tengo - more stars than there are in heaven
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[21 Dec 2010|09:29am]
001. Mum - We Have a Map of the Piano
002. The Postal Service - Suddenly Everything Has Changed
003. Bad Books - Holding Down the Laughter
004. The Weakerthans - The Prescience of Dawn
005. The Album Leaf - Twentytwofourteen
006. Veltpunch - Free Falling (A Dolphin, is There?)
007. The Polyphonic Spree - Younger Yesterday
008. Talkdemonic - Black Wood Crimson
009. Jimmy Eat World - Coffee and Cigarettes
010. The Riot Before - The Oregon Trail
011. The Acorn - Antenna
012. Zookeeper - Tax Collector
013. A Whisper in the Noise - Anymore
014. The Anniversary - Never Die Young
015. Tokyo Police Club - Your English is Good
016. The New Frontiers - Passing On
017. The One AM Radio - Lest I Forget
018. Lymbyc Systym - Carved By Glaciers
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[31 Oct 2010|07:29am]
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[31 Oct 2010|07:23am]
001. brand new - handcuffs
002. the mars volta - eria tarka
003. the raconteurs - top yourself
004. the one am radio - in the time we've got
005. the anniversary - husam husam
006. manchester orchestra -
007. the get up kids - like a man possessed
008. the perishers - let's write something down
009. smashing pumpkins - spaceboy
010. the jealous sound - abandon abandon
011. the acorn - books
012. songs ohia - i've been riding with the ghost
013. bad books - you're a mirror i cannot avoid
014. pedro the lion - almost there
015. the shins - young pilgrims
016. tokyo police club - listen to the math
017. rocky votolato - the light and the sound
018. other lives - matador
019. the one am radio - fires

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[18 Oct 2010|01:28pm]
001. appleseed cast - sinking
002. built to spill - alarmed
003. as tall as lions - into the flood
004. kind of like spitting - we got as far as minnesota
005. all get out - wasting all my breath
006. idaho - pomegranate bleeding
007. band of horses - no ones gonna love you
008. minus the bear - we are not a football team
009. john vanderslice - they wont let me run
010. grand archives - miniature birds
011. langhorne slim - restless
012. nada surf - no quick fix
013. bad books - you wouldnt have to ask
014. cursive - the great decay
015. la rocca - capital pill
016. jose gonzalez - hints
017. dead confederate - it was a rose
018. logh - all the trees
019. ben gibbard - you remind me of home
020. delta spirit - ode to sunshine
021. the weakerthans - left and leaving
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[03 Oct 2010|06:03am]
i should have enrolled in classes this semester, i need to stop fucking up my life. life is dumb... my hair is long... yep
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[01 Oct 2010|09:38pm]
001. social distortion - angels wings (acoustic)
002. langhorne slim - hummingbird
003. the romany rye - all the boys
004. chris knight - the rivers own
005. kevin devine - me and my friends
006. delta spirit - st. francis
007. sondre lerche - my hands are shaking
008. rocky votolato - whiskey straight
009. other lives - paper cities
010. band of horses - blue beard
011. the weakerthans - the prescience of dawn
012. dawes - bedside manner
013. matt pryor - lorelai
014. the only children - lonesome road
015. 500 miles to memphis - sunshine in a shot glass
016. right away, great captain! - i'm not ready to forgive you
017. cobra skulls - thicker than water
018. the ascetic junkies - whoa oh oh oh oh
019. damien jurado - inevitable
020. the new amsterdams - adeline, out of tune
021. the forecast - heart health

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[10 Sep 2010|09:39am]
an open letter to the person flaming my music tastes on a mixtape community

To whom it may concern (and it seems the most trivial things concern you, so this is right in your wheelhouse),
I want to thank you. I have never personally explored buddhism (not enough pictures), but I feel like you gave me an alternate route to enlightenment. I knew something was off when at age 13 I disgraced myself by listening to bands like the ataris, I should have forseen their cover of Don Henley's Boys of Summer and opted out of that whole mistake before it ever happened. Damn my lack of foresight. Moreover, it is apparent to me after a decade of studying your handbooks, "A Hipsters Guide to Pessimism" and "Elitism Now!", that the moment someone else listens to a record I like, I should burn it (and I don't mean for my friends, hahahahahaha...no seriously, any music medium past cassette tapes is for posers; chapter 6 of "Elitism Now!). I mean it has been hard, the only band that I am actually allowed to enjoy based on the criteria is yours, but I will say that those shows where it was just you guys and me have been some of the best.
Listen, it is pretty obvious that you are better than me, I don't think that anyone is arguing that. I mean we learned that when you single-handedly organized Fugazi's march on Washington, and when you picketed the movie premiere of Singles because Eddie Vedder was not as thought provoking as people made him out to be. Not to mention your keynote speech at Joe Strummer's funeral, setting things straight with his family by making them aware that his death had less meaning because of the radio-friendliness of Rock the Casbah. Thank you, by the way, for advising the Promise Ring to break up, Wood/Water wasn't that great in comparison to the rest of their catalog. I still don't know why Spin hasn't contacted you about a job yet, I know they are looking for someone to tell them how bad Weezer is and how Elliot Smith never actually existed on account of his academy award nomination. I read your manifesto of cease and desist letters to Viacom, telling them that if they did not stop playing music the revolution would come. It was a very inspired cause, and if not for it, I would not have been able to see that repeat of Pregnat'd; the Britney Spears Story, so thank you. I made a bunch of clayfighter t-shirts and passed them out at work, but it isn't really catching on, damn Christians. Hey, by the way, can you post a picture of your Against Me! tattoo, I'd like to get the same one. Thanks man.
Your biggest fan,

P.S. I don't know where I would be if you hadn't taught Jeremy Egnik how to compose lyrics. Thank you for uninvolving yourself before seven was on mtv, based on your handbook I would have to reapproach my appreciation of you. Whew! Close one.
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[31 Aug 2010|03:05am]
Music meme~
- Put your music player on shuffle, and put down the first 40 tracks it plays.
- You can repeat artists.
- You CANNOT repeat songs.


1. Brazil - Aventine
2. Delta Spirit - Tomorrow Goes Away
3. Lawrence Arms - The Old Timers 2x4
4. Tsunami Bomb - 20 Going On...
5. Tim Barry - Avoiding Catatonic Surrender
6. Ray LaMontagne - Trouble (Live in Austin)
7. Brandston - In a Word
8. Band of Horses - Older
9. Sneaker Pimps - Tesko Suicide
10. Maserati - I Have a Dagger, It's Shaped Like a Lightening Bolt
11. My American Heart - Speak Low if You Speak Love
12. Danger Mouse - Justify My Thug
13. The Get Up Kids - Shorty
14. MxPx - Unopposed
15. Anathallo - Northern Lights
16. The Broken Family Band - Happy Days Are Here Again
17. (the sounds of) Kaeleidoscope - (pt2)
18. The Strokes - The Modern Age
19. Jack in the Pulpit - Let It Begin
20. Feeder - Tender
21. Appleseed Cast - The Page
22. Millencolin - A Bit of Muslin
23. The Misfits - We Bite
24. Sahara Hotnights - Too Cold For You
25. Across Five Aprils - Darkest of Roads
26. The Rocking Horse Winner - Orange Blossom
27. Kevin Devine - If We Meet Today
28. Elliott Smith - Condor Ave
29. Coalesce - For All You Are
30. Ultimate Fakebook - Goddamn Dance Craze
31. A Minor Forest - Speed for Gavin
32. Thursday - Circuits of Fever
33. Eminem - Brain Damage
34. Bigwig - Reclamation
35. Superdrag - Phaser
36. Presidents of the United States of America - Peaches
37. Slim Thug - Click Clack
38. Gob - Suds
39. These Are Powers - Life of Birds
40. The Vandals - Let the Bad Times Roll

1. Which song do you prefer, #1 or #40?

2. Have you ever listened to #12 continuously on repeat?
maybe a few times

3. What album is #26 from?

4. What do you think about the artist who did #15?
Canopy Glow

5. Is #19 one of your favorite songs?

6. Who does #38 remind you of?
8th grade in chicago

7. Does #20 have better lyrics or music?
i love feeder lyrics, but the music is is sooo good

8. Do any of your friends like #3?
i wish

9. Is #33 from a movie soundtrack?
i dont think so

10. Is #18 overplayed on the radio?
the band was for a minute, but no

11. What does #21 remind you of?
mad crushing over the love of my life

12. Which song do you prefer, #5 or #22?

13. What album is #17 from?
From Where You Were to How You Got There

14. When did you first hear #39?
last year i think

15. When did you first hear #7?
jesus, freshman year i think. I used to love some brandston

16. What genre is #8?

17. Do any of your friends like #14?
back in the day, i used to have friends that loved it

18. What color does #4 remind you of?
electric blue

19. Have you ever blasted #11 on your stereo?
shit yeah

20. What genre is #37?
thats some mad g rap son

21. Can you play #13 on any instrument?
haha, actually i think i can

22. What is your favorite lyric from #30?
Don't try to tell me I'm a naive clown,
I thought rock & roll was all about contagious dreamin',
I feel like the Beatles rollin' into town,
So hungry that I'm still not phased that you're not screamin'

23. What is your favorite lyric from #23?
And when I get your blood I rip your throat
Your blood I rip your throat
I want your blood, I rip your throat
To drink some blood

24. Would you recommend #24 to your friends?
yes, its one of the better songs out there

25. Is #2 a good song to dance to?
if you pour some whiskey on it, and play the rest of the album, then absolutely

26. Do you ever hear #16 on the radio?
never going to happen

27. Is #32 more of a “nighttime” or “daytime” song?

28. Does #36 have any special meaning to you?
it might be the first band that showed me music didnt need to be conventional, honestly that band probably changed my life, weirdly enough

29. Do any of your friends like #31?
doubt it, but they should

30. Is #25 a fast or slow song?

31. Is #35 a happy or sad song?
it makes me so happy

32. What is one of your favorite lyrics from #9?
phone me and i'll hang up,
sick and tired of being bubble gum chewed up
dark lane, bleak house, shrinking rose, youre over and out
tie your cherry bootstrings, put your candy teeth in
choking on a sweetheart, hang up hang up hang up

33. Is #34 better to listen to alone or with friends?
friends, thats a party song

34. When did you first hear #27?
a long long time ago, and it was a good day

35. Name 3 other songs by the artist who did #29.
on being a bastard
did it pay the rent
chain smoking

36. Do you know all the words to #6?

37. Does #28 have better lyrics or music?

38. What album is #10 from?
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[31 Jul 2010|09:56am]
so im moving to lawrence. not tomorrow, but next summer. i know i am moving to lawrence, because thinking about it right now, i am so fucking excited. i havnt been this excited in a long time. LAWRENCE!!! THE GET UP KIDS!!! THE ANNIVERSARY!!! LAWRENCE!!!
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[13 Jun 2010|12:37am]
so i watched three movies this morning that i wanted to talk about for a minute. i have actually been anticipating all three of these films, but have not had the chance to watch them yet. my roommate brought them home from work, so i figured it would be a nice saturday. the reason i want to mention these three, is they all triggered a response from me that i did not expect.

the first movie i watched was public enemies, you know the johnny depp vehicle that came out last summer about dillinger. there is something exotic about bank heist movies, i have always enjoyed them. maybe it is the dude in me, i dont know. i also, for the most part, have nothing against johnny depp, he is alright in my book. i thought jack sparrow was overplayed, and i dont always need him riding tim burtons vision, but him in once upon time in mexico was brilliant. i was excited to finally see this movie, is what i am saying. let me be forthright, the movie was not that good. i think i went into it expecting road to perdition, an exciting period piece about the criminal underworld. the fact of the matter is, i was bored for the better part of the movie. in response to most of his roles, i feel like depp purposely underacted this part, which in theory i think was what i and most people were asking of him. the problem was, he never seemed to find the pocket on who the character actually was. that awkwardness translated pretty well to the screen, so you never actually knew what you were watching. the character accents seemed contrived, the manuerisms were too flamboyant. i am outspoken about not enjoying christian bale... ever. okay thats not true, he was fine in the machinist and equilibrium, but how long ago was that. it also took storytelling to make those films. public enemies had an idea, but was never fueled by a story. i hate to bring up road to perdition again as a reference point, but tom hanks did not make that movie. the film found his abilities as an actor and used them. guys like johnny depp, and now christian blae, seem to think they are bigger than the films they are in. i want to live in that world where actors are mere tools for the films progression. we are looking for modern day deniros and pacinos, and we are not finding them, because there seems to be no pride in acting tradition. i mention those names, and i know, there is no comparison, but why not? why cant there be films today equal to raging bull and ...judgement for all, why is there no carlitos way or godfather? public enemies should have been a pure drama film, something you got lost in, but the acting was meagre, the storytelling was shallow.

the second movie i watched this morning was surrogates with bruce willis. it seems to be a semi-tired story in the science fiction world, but it is still fresh enough to keep me interested. im not hardcore into science fintion, i enjoy the writings of phillip k. dick and asimov, but that is the extent, so do not take my word as bond, but as ramblings i assume. in my belief, there seems to be a fork in the road at the root of science fiction. what i have noticed is it either praises technology or villafies it, i tend to gravitate towards the ladder. my science fiction repitoire and praises seem to be limited to a scanner darkly, blade runner and minority report. the last of those seems to be subject to a great deal of criticism, but i enjoy it, so whatever. surrogates seems to be better compared to a movie like i, robot or the matrix. it is the idea that we have allowed technology to become the most major part of our lives, and it has corrupted us. i will try not to spoil this movie, so i will keep it as basic as possible. the film has a strong basis, as overused as it is, because in this day and age it is still believable. bruce willis as the lead is strong, because he is not out of his comfort zone, he plays a protagonist somewhere in the realm btween hero and anti-hero, a dark knight writhe with confusion towards the correct response to the current problem. willis will always be perfect for that "ill guess ill save the day, but only because i am here" character, and this is no different. the movie was strong, compelling... or as compelling as a moderate funded film can be. there is one major problem i have with it, there seems to be a theme in todays not quite blockbuster, not quite academy award movies that has really bothered me as of late. there seems to be this crank-esque, youtube generation filmmaking technique that there needs to be ultra-weird, ultra-unnecessary scenes in the movie to that do not drive story progression whatsoever. it is the kind of writing that should be saved for the worst troma films, leaving it only to be found in the most hidden cult shelves. i saw this in gamer, i saw this in wanted, and i am sure it is in a ton of other movies, but i have tried to protect myself from it. i dont mind going to the movie theatre to see things that dont matter, but i dont want to see things that are unneeded. there should be some respect garnered towards making a feature film, and it is almost rude to assume that people want what they can find on youtube to get a momentary fixation of the weird. otherwise, surrogates was pretty good, and i recommend for fans of whodunit scifi.

the last movie i watched, which was probably the better of three, and the one i was most excited to watch, was the informant!. matt damon jokes be damned, he is an incredible actor, and proves it everytime he is on the screen. the informant was ironic, intense, and compelling. the character that damon plays is pretty much batshit insane, and it is enjoyable ride to see where he takes you. acting from each player in the movie is well crafted, there are some pretty stunning performances from scott bakula and melanie lynskey. there is a major bone i need to pick with this movie, what is the point in casting several comedians to not be funny? matt damon is hilarious, but no one else is, and they shouldnt be, but... why cast joel mchale? why cast patton oswalt? why cast paul f. tompkins? why cast andy daly? these are some of the most brilliant technicians of comedy, and they play straight throughout the entire movie. for a student of standup, it is an event to see these people in the same film, and... nothing. still a great film, but come on

this is why i stick to playing mahjohng and watching smallville, bleh
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[12 Jun 2010|07:25am]
man i am so mad at the recession for making life slow down so much. my body got used to working so little, and now that its all coming back, i am just constantly tired. i used to work 13 hour days, another 10 on saturday, and i would be fine. still ready to gout and take on the town. now i work 9 and a half hours, and i sleep for like 12 hours. kinda silly. need to get back to epic mode, need to get that scrilla... i dont know what that means

life updates, because i have been pretty nonexistant for a while, so here are the major events

in april i went to arkansas to see/visit kevin on his road to coachella tour. i was kind of weary of little rock, wasnt sure how different it would be from houston, if i would be taken with a grain of salt like i am so graciously here. i really liked it actually, everywhere i went, everything i did, people were genuinely nice. it was just good to get away, and maybe it was the excitement of being a stranger in a strange town, but it seemed like my anxiety was alleviated for a moment. oh yeah, and i love kevin to death, so you know there is that too.

in may i went to a forecast doubleheader in san antonio and austin. these two show were worlds better than the dallas show earlier this year. that show was just billed so terribly, they were too many aesthetic problems, that the show did not take off. the san antonio was great because it actually brought out kids. it was this magical touch that neither houston or austin seem to have anymore, in which teenagers go out on a friday night to rock shows and have a good time. the opening band werent great, but were getting consistantly better, and were respectful to the forecast. it was just nice to see a thriving scene, it has been a long time. maybe i need to get away from houston, because there really is nothing going on in this town. i know when the kevin devine show with thrice comes in july, that there will be no one there, and it is because people just dont get it. blah blah blah. so the next day there was an early show in austin at emos. that show was just amazing, not as many people as the night before, but everyone knew what was going on, everyone realized what they were experiencing. i think the forecast is lost in translation sometimes. they are such a real and genuine band, and yet have a true sense of pop aesthetic. they are in a league of bands like the get up kids, the promise ring and waxwing. i think people just assume they are a victory band though. not austin, not this time. everyone was singing, rocking, it was great. dustin has to be the sweetest guy next to kevin, by the way. it is so nice to meet endearing people, i dont understand how it is always the people i least expect. people that do not have to give me the time of the day, but actually make an attempt. its a good feeling, but i also wish everyday life could find those good feelings as well.

so last weekend was akon, probably the thing i have been waiting for the longest. i dont know.., it was ok. everything just felt rushed and thrown together, not like it did in 2003 when i went for the first time. it was cool to see some new anime, but i dont feel like i watched enough. i feel like i wasted money in the dealer room just to spend money, and i always hate the morning after that. i didnt play a lick of magic, so i was bummed about that. the band on friday night was amazing though, seikima II. japans answer to iron maiden in kabuki paint. i talked about this with joey, but its funny to me when geek gets mixed. i am not a very outspoken anime geek, or traditional nerd, but its in there. i am, if anything, a music nerd most of all. i have spent the last 13 years of my life giving myself to that, going to hundreds (oddly enough i stare at the number and it seems so small) of shows, spending countless dollars on records. i have created a life around music, a persona, sometimes i might be an elitist, sometimes i am endearing, but i have paid my dues whn it comes to this. so its funny, or awkward maybe, to see people who go to one show a year. the people who make it such a huge event, when thy dont actually know whats going on. i get that same feeling when i am in the proximity of a radio festival. its weird to me how people get so excited for bands like limp bizkit, but dont know what happening when a band like the starting line is opening the second stage, and how great of a show they can put on... but i digress. the kids at akon were making such a big deal out of seikima, which a big deal should have been made about this band, but it was being made in the wrong way, because no one actually knew who they were... they just kind of knew what music was. i dont even know what i am talking about anymore, its just funny. maybe i am always an elitist. maybe im not really a nerd like i want to be.

i am a nerd though. the biggest thing that has taken over my life in the last year is that i started to play dungeons and dragons. it is something that has always mystified me. the reasons are funny though. i dont think i am ever going to be th kind of guy who takes it seriously, like you see in the movie films, but there has always been this sense of it is something i want to try. the biggest reason for that is the movie slc punk. once upon a time a modeled my life around the characters steve-o and heroin bob, to the extent that for 11 years now more people have known me as bob, and not brian. in that movie there is a flashback scene to when they are kids, and they are playing d&d. steve-o puts on a punk rock tape, and it changes their lives... blah blah blah... you know the story. so it happened in reverse for me, which is kind of funny, because i found punk rock when i was 11 or 12, and jettisoned myself into that scene and movement for a pretty long time, but now at 25 i am finally in my first d&d game. one step forward, two steps back maybe. there is something interesting about getting drunk and roleplaying though, finally my overly vast imagination is being used

at a friends show a couple of weeks ago, i drunkingly said that i might want to attempt doing stand up. my roommate seemed to be pretty into that idea, he made me feel like i was possible, but i dont know if that is something that is really obtainable. i have a really awkward sense of humor, and i dont know if it would take off. everytime i hear a brian posehn or patton oswalt album, i feel like... i dont know... maybe...

we will see
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[11 Jun 2010|05:14am]
im sorry i have been absent for so long... i seem to apologize for that on here more often than anything else. i honestly want so much for livejournal to be an amazing thing once again, for it to be an outlet that is as important as the looseleaf scriptures strewn across my bedroom. it used to be such an important tool in my life, livejournal was the place for me to vent, joke, publish, live. it still kind of is, but much like my life, has become tired and stifled. i wish i had the iron heart and silver tongue that i once so hopefully clung to, nails dug deep into my confidence. i ache for what i used to consider pride, the days when i believed that every dream was obtainable, every desire fulfillable. it is hard to remember happiness... let me rephrase that. it is hard to think that i have to remember happiness, that it no longer truly exists, and i spend time to myself trying to sketch out visions in the back of my head when things seemed to matter. i read those words back to myself, and they seem so tragic. tragic in a way that maybe i am overdoing it. honestly, though, what is happiness? how can it be obtainable?

everyday is another day of realization, of growth. as we creep further and further away from simpler times, as we pay our bills, start families, drift deeper into what we consider reality, the glass used to contain our aspirations, dreams, and happiness grows evermore. as we experience the things we thought would catapult us into what we would want, it no longer seems like it is enough. at 25 years old, my glass has grown and grown, but nothing has spilled into it. so the little bit of happiness that used to be enough, a solid record or a good book, is no longer. how could it be? there are no intense moments in my life, the experiences that outshine the others. i want to feel something again, something that makes me say this is the moment that will never leave me. i want to feel growth, as if my bones were stretching, tearing through my skin. i want to be reshaped, but there is this tugging sense that will never be real.

was i not the person who lived by the idea that life is merely perception. why cant i change my reality? what is reality really? i dropped out of college because i thought i had to. i knew i couldnt succeed as a filmmaker, so what was the point in spending money towards something i had no interest in. i cant write pages towards my book, because how could i ever truly be one in a million... i am not one in a million. how many successful authors do you know? i know i wont be one. how do i know that though? where does this crippling pessimism come from? i feel like if i knew where it eminated from, i would tear out my own still beating heart to stop it. i hate this idea that i am the one stopping myself, i hate being told it more. i might not truly know what im worth, but no one knows more than me... i know that much.

i have no resolve whatsoever, life is constantly rapping at my door, and i have no interest in going outside to greet it.

i found out recently that i have a history of mental illness in my birth parents. there is nothing more terrifying to me than this. i am terrified, because how will i know. what are the signs to guide me away from this.

every road leads to a dead end, i hate feeling like giving up is the only answer, because whereas i might not be able to cope, i wont give up. i just dont want to give in either.
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[10 Jun 2010|05:02am]
i used to have to wake up at this time, now i go to sleep at this time... weird

- Available: between the hours 11am and 3pm
- Age: 24.
- Annoyance: currently, and most often, heat.
- Animal: owl.
- Actor: chad michael murray, omg.
- Beer: tecate, lone star, and killians when im classy.
- Best best friend: jc.
- Birthday: june 28.
- Blind or Deaf: blind, but only for matt murdock reasons.
- Been bitched out: often.
- Been on stage: not really, no.
- Believe in yourself: uncommon for me.
- Believe in miracles: mets 86.
- Believe in God: not in a conventional sense.
- Believe in Satan: same answer.
- Best weather: thunderstorms/dark at midday, beautiful.
- Been in Love: yes.
- Believe in Magic: mindfreak.
- Believe in Santa: not in a conventional sense.
- Candy: gummy worms.
- Car: 1978 olds cutlas, hood rich.
- Color: green/orange.
- Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla.
- Chinese/Mexican Food: chinese.
- Cake or pie: cake.
- Continent to visit: asia.
- Cheese: moz.
- Day or Night: night.
- Dancing: bboy in my dreams.
- Dance in the rain: like step up 2, yes please.
- Do the splits: not going to happen
- Eyes: brown and mostly closed.
- Eggs: word.
- Everyone has a: reason to fail.
- Ever failed a class: a few it seems.
- First thoughts waking up: not to self, buy a bed
- Food: i hate you
- First crush: jesus
- Greatest Fear: being committed.
- Get along with your parents: used to not, now i do.
- Good luck charm: i dont have one.
- Hair Color: black.
- Height: 6'3".
- Happy: ish.
- Holiday: dont really like them.
- How do you want to die: saving a life
- Ice Cream: blue bell cherry vanilla, holy shit.
- Instrument: piano
- Jewelry: own none
- Job: build and test oil valves
- Kids: are great.
- Kickboxing or karate: karate.
- Keep a journal: many.
- Love: not in a while.
- Laughed so hard you cried: sadly.
- Milk flavor: milk flavored milk.
- Movies: my life.
- Motion sickness: no.
- McDonald's or Burger King: neither.
- Mooned anyone: no
- Marriage: i can only hope
- Number: 9.
- Number of siblings: 3.
- Number of piercings: used to 2, none any longer.
- One wish: to not fail
- Pepsi or Coke: coke.
- Perfect Pizza: pesto pizza with chicken, spinach, black olives and feta... holy shit.
- Quail: man
- Reality T.V.: so you think you can dance is my hero
-Radio Station: rice
- Roll your tongue in a circle: no
- Ring size: i dont know
- Song: remy zero - save me... because i cant stop watching smallville
- Shoe size: 13
- Salad Dressing: sure
- Sushi: please and thank you
- Shower: like twice a day
- Strawberries/Blueberries: either or is great
- Skipped School: often
- Swear: yes
- Stuffed animals: i have a sweet donatello
- Scientists need to invent: hoverboard
- Tattoos: just the one right now.
- Time for bed: during the day.
- TV show: oth.
- Unpredictable: not really.
- Vacation spot(s): anywhere but here (agreed).
- Vegetable you hate: none really
- Vegetable you love: carrots
- Weakness: people, heat, people (females)
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: who would want to
- Worst feeling: failure
- Worst Weather: current to october
- Who makes you laugh the most: wes or mark
- Where do we go when we die: to a lake of fire and fry, see them again til the fourth of july.
- X-Rays: lame superpower.
-Year it is now: the year of john lythgoe.
-Yellow: k
-Zodiac sign: cancer.
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[27 Apr 2010|06:36pm]
i realize i only post mixtapes, and never actually speak on life too much, but...

001. the promise ring - nothing feels good
002. sorry about dresden - on contradiction
003. miracle of 86 - knife
004. jettison - stacks
005. dinosaur jr. pick me up
006. sunny day real estate - 47
007. logh. - death to my hometown
008. the get up kids - anne arbour
009. make do and mend - our own ebb and flow
010. samiam - super brava
011. pavement - gold sounds
012. colossal - table settings
013. jimmy eat world - a praise chorus
014. the cardinal sin - he's a space case
015. the ascetic junkies - a protest song
016. red collar - used guitars
017. foo fighters - wheels
018. veltpunch - killer smile
019. hot water music - radio
020. the weakerthans - aside
021. the replacements - here comes the regular

i will actually post something soon, until then... http://limitedpressing.com/collections/1841
take a gander at my record collection, its what i do. more people should use this site btw
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